


i'm always saddest at night (kenma x reader)

by kuroolongtea



Category: Haikyuu!!, ハイパープロジェクション演劇「ハイキュー!!」| Hyper Projection Play "Haikyuu!!" RPF
Genre: F/M, Fluff, Fluff and Humor, Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, Fluff without Plot, Romance, Romantic Fluff, Soft Kozume Kenma, Tooth-Rotting Fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-16
Updated: 2020-11-16
Packaged: 2021-03-10 03:20:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,239
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27596765
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kuroolongtea/pseuds/kuroolongtea
Summary: It’s another sleepless night that you’re all too familiar with, fueled by your own self-doubt, loneliness, and sadness. You put aside your fears of being a burden, and reach out to Kenma for some company.
Relationships: Kozume Kenma/Reader
Comments: 8
Kudos: 131





	i'm always saddest at night (kenma x reader)

**Author's Note:**

> i originally wrote this on a whim, inspired by some stuff i’ve been dealing with personally. it felt pretty therapeutic to write, so i hope it’ll bring you a sense of comfort to read! i really, really hope you enjoy ♡  
> feel free to follow me on tumblr (@kuroolongtea) where i'm active for more!

you roll onto your side and sigh, unsure of how many times you’ve done so since crawling into bed, hoping to turn in early for once. your mattress is already well warmed up with your tossing and turning—a futile shift between positions that don’t grant you solace—but it doesn’t seem to feel welcoming in the slightest.

it’s another one of those nights.

sleepless, melancholic, desolate.

no matter how exhausted you were, how your body craved the slumber it so desperately needed, sleep wouldn’t come to you.

you forced yourself to keep your eyes shut tight, but it’s really just a continuous limbo of staring at the back of your eyelids, not a forerunner for rest.

you finally allow yourself to open your eyes, though the darkness of your dorm room is not that much different than when they were closed. you reluctantly take your phone off the nightstand and tap the screen as it reveals to you the hour of night—not that you really want to know, either.

you’re certain you’ve laid in the silent dark for _hours_ without being granted sleep, and the clock on your phone simply confirms the quantity, as if mocking you.

you sigh again, putting your phone back down and staring listlessly at the ceiling.

should you get up? should you browse social media until you get tired? should you just keep your eyes shut until your brain gives in?

you can hear the faint sound of music from a different dorm building, probably someone’s weekend university party, but it’s barely audible. everything feels louder at night.

everything feels lonelier at night.

you know you shouldn’t browse social media right now, as the blue light emitting from your cell phone could very well disrupt your circadian rhythm even more.

but you do anyway.

not like sleep was something ever within your reach.

and immediately, you know it’s a bad idea.

pictures of your friends, classmates, acquaintances, all show up on your feeds. they’re having fun, they’re chatting with each other, they’re being happy.

you wonder what it’s like.

of course, you have your own friends who cherish you and care about your wellbeing, but there’s always a little voice in your head that tells you they don’t. it’s that same little voice that creeps its way into your heart during the quietest hours of the night, and causes a tightness in your chest that makes it almost difficult to breathe.

it’s the little voice that you know is full of shit, but you can’t seem to ever shake off. it sticks with you. it taunts you. and it robs you of not only sleep, but also peace.

you feel empty, and a bit numb, wondering if anyone else could understand the way you’re feeling, because you sure as hell don’t. you want to reach out to your friends for comfort, really, you do, but they’re probably asleep as well. who wouldn’t be at this time of night?

that, and the voice in your head is telling you that they wouldn’t want to hear about your depressing feelings. don’t bother them. it’s burdensome, aren’t you ashamed of yourself?

 _these thoughts are getting out of hand_ , you think to yourself.

there’s a subtle aching in your heart, hinting to you that perhaps you should cry a little bit. maybe it’ll help.

but as you stare aimlessly into the darkness, you know you wouldn’t be able to get any tears out even if you tried.

you feel lonely. so lonely. like no one will understand you, even if you wished someone would. and you _hate_ yourself for feeling this way because you know it’s irrational, but you’ve also accepted that it’s not your fault for not being able to control these thoughts.

all you can do is wait for the storm to pass.

but you still hope, that maybe, just maybe, someone could be kind enough to stay by your side while you wait. to spare you some comfort. it’s okay if they don’t, but it doesn’t hurt to try.

you give in, and pick up your phone once again to text the one person you know would still be awake at this ungodly hour.

> **to** : kenma

> **you** : kenma, are you awake?

barely a minute passes before your phone vibrates, and your heart skips a tiny beat. you’ve always appreciated kenma’s quick responses to you, as opposed to his leaving kuroo on read for days on end.

> [1 new message]

> **kenma** : … yes. are you going to tell me to go to bed again?

the edges of your lips curl up into a small smile. if you weren’t wallowing in your misery, you definitely would’ve been chiding kenma to sleep earlier.

> **you** : haha no, for once i’m not. what’re you up to?

> **kenma** : i’m gaming. trying to finish this last level by tonight

> **you** : oh dang. how long do you think it’ll take you? are you gonna sleep soon?

> **kenma** : probably not

you stare at his reply, hesitating to send your next message. you don’t want to intrude, but you could really, really use some company. besides, you and kenma have always been fond of each other.

did you two have feelings for one another? now _that’s_ a question that you weren’t ready to face yet, but kenma cares about you. that much you _do_ know.

> **you** : can i come over?

the apathy and hopelessness you’d felt earlier is gone, and is replaced by a slight nervousness awaiting his reply.

what’re you nervous for? you’ve gone over to kenma’s dorm plenty of times, since he has his own room. he only lives a couple of floors down, and you two often hang out or study together.

he’d told you before that he likes your company. you should believe him. learn to trust people a little more.

> **kenma** : sure, come any time. i’ll leave the door unlocked.

maybe it’s because you were having a difficult night battling your thoughts, but kenma’s simple response is enough to make you want to cry.

but you don’t. you tell yourself to keep it together as you peel the blanket covers off of you, sliding out of bed. you throw on a hoodie quickly—your softest one—before putting on your shoes, not bothering to change out of your pajama pants.

you grab your phone and a book before walking out into the hallway, so that you can keep yourself occupied while kenma plays his video games. you don’t need him to pay any attention to you, you’d just be happy to be in his company. it’s nights like these where you really, really don’t want to be alone.

the trek down your hallway, into the elevator, and down kenma’s hallway to his door feels longer than usual, though you’ve walked it many times before.

you knock twice before turning the knob and letting yourself into his dimly lit room, to which he greets you with a quick glance and a small familiar smile. it’s not a lot, but coming from kenma, it’s enough.

he turns his attention back to his screen as you take your usual seat in his dark grey bean bag, making yourself comfortable. you’re glad you chose to wear your softest hoodie, as it caresses you gently the same way a blanket would.

you’re cracking open your book when you hear kenma’s voice.

“did you want to do something?” he asks, his voice monotone as usual.

“no, it’s okay,” you respond. “i just didn’t want to be by myself. don’t mind me, i’ll just read a little bit since i couldn’t sleep.”

“alright.”

you smile to yourself, relieved at how comfortable you two are with each other, not that you should’ve doubted it in the first place.

for the first half hour, you think you feel happy. you’d made it through a good number of chapters in your book, and having kenma keep you company—though quietly, with only the sounds of his controller clicking in the air—definitely took the loneliness away for a bit.

but the feelings of solitude never seem to leave you alone.

you’d found yourself drifting away from the book and back into your thoughts, without even realizing. they were telling you that, what, you just couldn’t keep your sadness to yourself? you just _had_ to come bother kenma too?

he says he doesn’t mind, but what kind of gamer wants someone sitting behind them while they’re trying to concentrate on clearing a level? do you have no sort of social etiquette? when will you stop—

“what’s wrong?” kenma’s voice shakes you out of your thoughts. his voice is quiet and still without much emotion, but the question is genuine.

“huh? what do you mean?” you ask, glancing up from your book.

“you sighed just now.”

“oh, i did?” you didn’t even realize it. it must’ve been a small sigh, but it never escapes kenma’s ears, even if he’s simultaneously playing a video game.

“i’m fine, i just,” you start, trying to find the words to piece together a proper sentence. “i don’t know. nevermind.”

this time, kenma puts down his game console and turns his chair around to look at you. the light from his screen bouncing off his hair almost makes the black and blonde streaks look blue.

he’s observing you, as if thinking about what to say next.

“are you okay?” he asks quietly, looking straight at you. it’s rare to see kenma looking at you without averting his gaze, and it’s enough to make you cave in.

he makes you feel _seen_. despite all your self-isolating thoughts, despite the voice that tells you that you will always be on your own.

maybe you can be honest with him, just a little bit.

“i’m just a little bit sad tonight,” you confess, mentally slapping yourself after for saying something so stupid.

“do you wanna talk about it?” this time kenma looks away, as if slightly embarrassed that he’s offering you some consolation. he does care about you, but he’s not sure if that would come off too strong or not.

“i mean, i’m fine, i think, ” you say, waving your hands. “i just—sometimes i feel really alone. like truly alone. and it always has to be at night when i’m trying to sleep too—i’m always saddest at night.”

you pause, realizing that you’re already starting to ramble without meaning to.

“sorry,” you apologize, a bit regretful.

“it’s okay,” kenma answers slowly. “i think i kind of know what you’re talking about, and i know it’s not fun.”

you know that his words are more personal and honest than the casual manner he’s saying them in, but you don’t press.

“i’m always saddest at night for no damn reason,” you declare, trying to lighten the mood by rolling your eyes, but he nods in understanding. “i mean sometimes it makes it hard to sleep, but i’m actually really happy that i can be here. with you.”

you and kenma seem to blush at the same time when you realize what you just said, and, holy shit, was that weird? should you apologize??

“i’m glad,” he says with a small smile. “you can come any time. whenever you want.”

it takes you a second to process his words as they linger in the air. you want to hug him.

but instead, you just tell him, “i will.”

he looks comforted by your words, and stops to think for a moment. getting up from his chair, he tells you, “i’ll get you a blanket so you don’t get cold. you can sleep whenever you get tired—i’ll be up for a while.”

you want to tell him that he doesn’t have to, but he’d already made his way over to his closet and pulled out a large, folded fleece blanket. you thank him, and unfold it over your legs after he hands it to you.

it’s dark grey, like his bean bag, save for the large, fully armed robot printed in the middle, clearly from a video game that you don’t recognize.

“nice,” you giggle at the boyish design, prompting kenma to tense up.

“i-it was a stupid christmas gift from kuroo,” he huffs, slinking away back into his chair.

“ah.”

“anyway, that should keep you warm if you want to sleep,” kenma says, picking up his controller again. “if you still can’t, we can just play video games if you want.”

“really?” you blink. “i’m so bad at them though.”

“we can play something easy,” kenma shrugs. “whatever you want so you don’t have to be alone. just let me know.”

words can’t quite explain how thankful you feel in the moment, and you’re not sure kenma can handle a whole speech of your gratitude anyway. he might pass out.

“thanks, kenma,” you say earnestly, grinning at him. the tightness in your chest had long since dissipated. you think, maybe you _aren’t_ alone, after all. 

no, you’ve always known that. but it’s gestures like these, people like kenma, that really remind you of the fact that you don’t have to face these hardships on your own. he cares about you, and you’d be a fool to doubt it. and now, you’re hopeful about making it through the dreary night.

kenma gives you a small, gentle smile in response before turning back around to face his screen.

it’s not much, but it’s sincere, and you know it.

“any time.”

**Author's Note:**

> comments are greatly appreciated! thank you for reading ♡


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